Sunday, 8 March 2015

The Ramathon

Everything of worth in Derby seems to be in a straight line separated by about 5 miles. Almost as if the town planner was some cretinous 10 year old playing SIM City for the first time and didn't know the buttons.

'This game's rubbish. I've put the train station in the middle of nowhere, a good half an hour walk from the town centre, and I've placed the football ground even further out in the middle of an industrial estate.....ah well, I'll run with it.'

With that in mind, as the entourage and I emerged from Derby train station at 12 o'clock we had the choice of turning right and walking into the industrial estate 3 hours before kick off, or turning left and trying to find the town - we opted for the latter.

A few dirt tracks, river crossings, and stinging nettles later and we entered Derby town centre.

It's a bit different to Nottingham is Derby. The wrong side of the tracks. All the people look like they've had hard lives, multitudes of plastic bags float and dance in the air, every other shop was 'To Let'. You got the impression the land of the Rams had seen better times and was in need of a lick of paint and a bit of love.

We found a scruffy pub and fancied a drink. It looked like a 'homer' pub, I wasn't sure this was a good idea. 

'Yeah, yeah, it'll be alright. Look at the sign. It says 'luxury garden in the back' '.

Fine. The luxury garden was the deal clincher. We walked through the saloon-like swinging doors.

Immediately you were hit by the stench of stale smoke. As you looked around the pub it could have been a coal miners' social club. The thin, brown stained wispy curtains produced a dull light. The carpet was all shades of green and mustard with bits of chewing gum added for a bit of texture. One-armed bandits stood in the corners like bouncers facing the bar.

Everybody in the pub looked at us the nano second we walked through the doors. All of them in Yorkshire-style flat caps. All nursing pints of mild, Guinness, with the odd effeminate guy [perhaps wearing shoes] holding a Stella.

A dog was sitting at the bar. A man with one eyebrow checked us up and down. A man with black fingers was delicately fiddling with a pile of bar mats. A toothless barmaid smiled...

'What yer drinkin' ducks?'

I went for the tried and tested JD and coke costing £6.50 - more expensive than lovely Fulham, down by the lovely river.

They knew we were Brummies and whacked the price up, surely. We'd been busted already. Bail! Bail!

No, keep calm.

We opted to test out the luxury garden. Out here was a bit of astroturf, with a few tables and chairs dotted around a television, surrounded by four brick walls. A few Derby fans were taking in the morning Sun. We sat down.

'Eh? Is tha futball on?' snapped a Derby fan in our direction.

We looked over to see a guy with a slash mark down his cheek. He was in a shiny black tracksuit, had a tattoo on the back of his neck. His beady sunken eyes were fixed on us.

'Err....yeah mate it's Bradford/Reading, just on that screen there' we replied.

'Aye...and who's winning?'

''s 0-0'.

The Derby scout immediately jumped out of his seat, looked back at our table and marched back inside the pub.

This was weird. The guy was sitting in front of the TV, he could quite clearly see the football was on and the score was 0-0. What was he doing?'

'He's testing us for our accent, and now he's gone inside to tell the rest of 'em' an entourage member panicked.

Shit. It did seem like that.

Either that was the case, or this guy was off his tits on some substance that he didn't know what was going on.

'We need to drink up and go' 

I eyed up the luxury garden, soon to be the garden of death, for an escape route. A doberman patrolled a balcony above. But in the corner there was a fire exit.

'We could bail out the fire exit'.

We debated, and we waited. Suddenly a bunch of middle aged, rotund gentlemen in flat caps stepped outside...

This time though, the flat caps were different. More refined. Polished. They had small, perceptible, Blues logos on the front.

They gave us a nod. We nodded back. The unspoken language that we were now under the protection of the Peaky Blinders.

The Derby scout stepped back outside. He took one look at the Peakys and scuttled off again, down a side alley.

Our group started baiting one another in Inbetweeners style. 

'You panicked, you proper panicked.'

'F**k off, you were about to kick through the fire exit because somebody asked you the football score'

'You said he was testing us for our accent'

'Naah. I was joking'

We finished our drinks, and after a quick pit-stop at Walkabout for some food[which was weirdly rammed with all the usual Blues characters at the away games like Fingerless Frank, Dan et al], we ran through an EDL protest and got to Pride Park [or whatever it's called this week] about 10 minutes before kick off.

As the game progressed the atmosphere intensified. 

Derby had stuck their ultras section right next to the away fans and the verbal interchanges were becoming increasingly heated.

Derby, like Forest, tried to wind us up by chanting 'Yam Yams'. I once again tried to get 'Dirty Yorkshire bastards' going [if they're going to take liberties with geography, why can't we?].

Derby hyped up the WUMmery '4-0 in your own back yard', Blues retorted 'Top of the league and you f**ed it up' referring to the season when Blues pipped Derby to automatic promotion a few seasons back.

The Derby fans were becoming increasingly desperate and started screeching at the ref.

Derby's game is one of high tempo. Quick closing down. Nibbling at your ankles. Sticking legs in, nudging you in the back to knock you off balance. Cotterill in particular struggled with this speedy pressure, as a guy who likes 5 seconds on the ball to try something Hollywood, he didn't quite like getting 0.5 seconds before having to release the ball or face being tackled.

Of course such quick closing down results in lots of free-kicks when the Derby players apply too much force. The Rams fans didn't like it, and they started screaming indignation and chanting that the ref was a Brummie.

Moments before half time, Derby tried a big boot down towards our goal. Ince raced towards Randolph. Both jumped. Randolph won the header fairly in the 50/50 and Blues collected possession. Except Ince stayed down, and started holding his face Busquets style and was rolling around.

The Derby fans were almost climbing over the sponsor boards, wanting blood. Blues kicked the ball out so Ince might receive treatment. Except Ince jumped to his feet miraculously and started gobbing off at the ref.

When Russell collected the ball and motioned to pass it back to Blues [as per the unwritten rule of sportsmanship], he instead opted to boot the ball into touch, out for a throw in, in an incredibly dangerous part of the field for Blues.

The Derby fans cackled with delight.

Luckily Blues managed to clear the danger and the half time whistle blew.

Rightfully, Rowett was incensed on the sidelines.

What's the point in kicking the ball out so the opposition can get treatment, if they then kick the ball into dangerous field territory?

Rowett had to be held back from Paul Simpson's arrogant sneers.

The Blues were riled. Derby would ultimately pay for these antics.

But first, Derby raced into a 2-0 lead in the 2nd half as Grounds' lack of pace was finally exposed and he allowed Ince to get in behind him. Instead of then showing the dangerous winger the outside, he allowed Ince to cut inside and open up the whole goal. Randolph had no chance, and the Derby fans were wheeling out the identikit Crystal Palace-style, drum-backed chants.

They then turned their celebrations into more Blues goading. 

'2-0 on your big day out'

We were sitting not far from the police cordon and all game I noticed a thin, spotty teenager in the Derby end. He had a Rupert the Bear-like scarf around his neck. He was a full-kit type, and he had a Mr Beanish quality to him.

With his stick thin arms he was offering out the Blues fans from behind the police. He started rubbing his eyes and making crying gestures after Derby's 2nd went in.

The Blues fans had had enough. I turned to see a small man, no more than 5 foot 7, in his 50s, with a hint of the Frank Sinatras about him. He had his Peaky Blinders flat cap on, and his quilted Barbour jacket. His eyes had glazed over from a mixture of intensive drinking and sheer anger. He tried to scale the seats and stumbled backwards. Moments later I noticed him in the distance trying to climb over the segregation net to get to Mr Bean and friends, but within an instant he lost his footing and was tumbling down the net like a whizzing yo-yo of Barbour, and tartan, rolling all the way to the bottom of the stand.

A Blues fan, reddened in the face was being carried out by the police. 

Mr Bean was giving everybody the middle finger.

He and his clique were cupping their ears and chanting... 'Why the f*** are you still here?'


Blues were awarded a penalty.

The Derby end quietened down and turned from the Blues fans, and nervously looked at the pitch.

Paul Caddis stepped up and smashed the penalty into the back of the net.

The Blues players grabbed the ball and placed it on the centre spot. 

Ready to restart.

Tom Ince took one look at the ball and blasted it into the stands.

The Derby antics were continuing.

'I would love it if we got an equaliser against these ****s, love it' a Keegan-like lament was being uttered relentlessly from the Blues end.

'COME ON' the Blues fans chanted.

Derby were panicked.

They could see their chances of automatic promotion taking a huge dent here.

Being 2-0 up on the 91st minute and failing to win would not only help out their promotion chasing rivals, but it'd be a huge psychological blow.

Mr Bean was biting his nails.

Donaldson was bundled over outside the box.

The Derby fans reacted furiously again.

Randolph was stirring. He got the nod from Rowett. The keeper was up. This was shit or bust time.

The freekick was floated in. It landed to Spector, the beast of Illinois, he flicked the ball towards goal.....time seemed to was going in.....the keeper used his frame and deflected the ball out for a corner.

'COME ON' the Blues fans could smell it.

Cotterill floated the ball across. Randolph jumped. The ball skimmed off his shiny bald bonce and sailed harmlessly wide.

Damn. It would have been great to wipe the smirk of the Derby faces after their behaviour today.

But hold on.

Wes Thomas appears from nowhere. He bends his body like a contortionist and over-head kicks the ball to the back post. The Derby keeper wasn't expecting that, and is now out of the picture.

The ball hangs in the air for eternity. Under it are three Blues players and one Derby.

I'm looking at the ball. The players are looking at the ball. Rowett and Simpson are staring at it. Time has stopped.

The ball drops.

Donaldson nudged the ball towards goal.

It's going in. It's only bloody going in!

But wait, there's a Derby player on the line. He sticks a knee out, surely clearing it...

No! Not enough power.


The ball hits the back of the net.

The Blues fans melt into a bubbling fit of celebration. 

People are screaming, giggling, laughing, falling down rows of seats. The Blues players run towards the traveling Brummie hordes and join in with the euphoria. The Derby players sink to their knees in desolation.

'2-0 and you F***ED IT UP, 2-0 and you F***ED IT UP' belts around the stadium.

The Derby fans are silent. Motionless.

Mr Bean collapses into his seat and weeps.

'Why the f**k!? Why the f**k!? Why the f**k! are you still here!'

The Blues fans return the earlier taunt with gusto.

The hubris of Derby had come back to bite them in the ass.

Full time.

The Blues fans celebrate. The Derby fans are rooted to stillness.

All of a sudden the emotions are too much for one Derby fan who emerges from the East Stand. Runs onto the pitch and darts towards the Blues end.

He's decked out in a grey tracksuit, and he has his hood covering his face. One steward tries to bring him down and fails. Two stewards latch onto him but end up being dragged as this Derby zombie continues towards the Blues fans. Three stewards. Four.

It reminded me of the 2nd Lord of the Rings film where they're defending the walled city, and that pig thing carrying the gunpowder runs towards the wall to blow it up, but none of the arrows will bring him down.

The fifth steward managed to knock the zombie off his feet and almost certainly save his life.

The Blues fans continued to party. 

As we left the ground the air was permeated with the constant sound of police sirens. In every corner of the industrial estate people were squaring up to each other, pushing, shoving.

The locals weren't happy.

The Blues hordes marched out of the away end and continued the '2-0 and you f**ed it up chants'

Derby fans attempted to pull down the metallic wall separating home from away.

I can't remember much else as we walked back towards the train station. I was too busy laughing at the demise of Mr Bean, and how you can never count your chickens until they've hatched.

Especially against the Blue Machine. Because as Bolton and Arsenal will tell you....we're Birmingham City, and we always, always fight till the end.


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