Monday, 27 February 2012

A Meal with The Yorkshires


At the Yorkshires' house 
A choice of fowl, cow or lamb
You care for none
Asking for an alternative
You catch their white hot eyes of outrage
In their day you went without
if you were discerning in taste.
No thought for dietary needs
Not here in industrial Leeds

When five minutes passes
And you've still not picked
You hear the Yorkshires tutting
Such self-worth
They glance at wristwatches
A room of rolling eyes
The Yorkshires are always right
'Just choose t'beef!'
Hear them grinding their erroding teeth.

Look out for Yorkshire conversation
Racist joke, bits of egg yoke 
spat in your face
Waving toothpicks
that once held cheese 
and pineapple
now orchestrate a symphony of nostalgia
'They've cancelled christmas me young pup
Hark, you co'un't make it up!'

'I were int shop other day
And near on four minute I waited int queue
This young lad, too busy chatting away
behind the till
I told him what for
We're customers, we're always right
Buck up ya git
bad service you're givin
Know that our money pays for your livin'

How did it come to this?
You're stick with the Yorkshires
airing their indignant views
Staring out the window you see a bus
Oh to be free from these morons 
'and that's why there's too much muck on tv these days'
They release their cutlery and resume
their old school patter
Get out now, how it don't matter.

Daily Mail napkins 
Pressed against their lips
They fix you with a piercing stare
'What d'you do fo'livin'?'
'Student' you reply
Howling with outrage they chase you out the doors
But after you've paid, and not a moment befores
The meal with the Yorkshires, near the great Moors
The meal with the Yorkshires. where horror befalls 



  1. You can always tell a Yorkshireman, but you can't tell him much.